I have been thinking...
I have been thinking ....
I have been challenging myself with writing out scripture and placing it around the house...
I started reading "The Cost of Discipleship" (we'll see how long that lasts)
I have also been going over some of my "feelings" and "emotions" I know, danger, right? If you know me at all, you realize that it takes seriously nothing for the waterworks to start. In fact, this week as I was purging through papers, I got into some particularly precious ones, and just started bawling. Bawling because I miss my kids being tiny, and their notes to me with the sad little misspellings of words and the crazy amount of army man pictures that Jonah drew me. He doesn't do that anymore! Crying because I miss the earthly presence of my Dad, and of our sweet Shaelynn Sue. I found Jonah's and Lydia's school journals from 2007-2008. Let me tell you, I had not read them, and it's probably a good thing! In their sweet childlike minds recalling their baby cousin's struggles and their own worries about their family. I can't even explain how that hit me. Ugh. Anyway...
I have endeavored a somewhat challenging and new thing for me. I am going to start helping in our Women's Ministry team at Genesis Metro, called Sisterhood. Every year they have a Women's Retreat, and I will say I am so excited!! It is at a place called Allaso Ranch. Our theme this year will be "Beautiful" I am being challenged to think of something that I have encountered or endured, and to be able to tell my "story" while wishing to keep my emotions in check. I can't even imagine. So, I was going over some thought and decided to look back through my blog history and see what I had to say at those times when I felt most refined by my Savior. This particular day struck me... July 9, 2007. 4 years after we lost Dad. Here is what I wrote:
"I don't know. I just feel kind of empty right now. Emotional too. I know what and who will feel the void, but for some reason I want to feel the pain. I think I need to keep everything real. To remind me how I healed my heart 4 years ago, and to continue to heal it over and over again. God fills the void. God heals me over and over. God is my Daddy. Praise Him!"
I just don't know what to think about this comment?? It makes sense to me in some crazy way. Let me explain:
When Ben and I got married in 1997, we were just young'uns who thought that we had it all figured out and that our love was enough to get us through the trials that were bound to come. We knew challenges were on the way, we were 20! We knew everything! Right? Well, we soon realized that God had a sense of humor, and a bigger plan and idea than we could fathom. I became pregnant with Jonah a month after we got married, and lived in denial about it for 3 months. Finally in July we told everyone we were expecting. In August we thought I had miscarried. I was at my Mom's house getting ready to go to a friends bridal shower, and began bleeding. Mom hurriedly took me to my Dr. in Cedar Rapids, where she told Ben and I that the chances of still being pregnant were not good. She took out the doppler, and put it to my belly, and we were sure that we would hear nothing.... thump, thump, thump, there was a heartbeat!! I was put on bedrest for 10 weeks, and our little perfect world that we were sure to have, against all odds, was disturbed a bit :) On Dec. 23, 1997, yes... 3 weeks early (oh, the tongues were wagging!) Jonah was born perfectly healthy. Trial's #1-#25 Done. Check! We can do it all now! BEEEEEEP! Wrong!
Our trials are still here, I think we are in the 20,000's now :)
All this to say that I thought I had it all together! I was the child of a revered Elder at Harmony Bible Church. My parents and grandparents served faithfully every Sunday, and Wednesday's, and any other day in between. I could stand behind my family, and feel security in Christ. (what I felt at the time was security) I was Mike's child. It really did get me far. Not only in church, but in the community, in my jobs, just everywhere. This was somehow sufficient. I remember thinking when I was engaged to Ben, "I'll worry about my relationship with Jesus when we get married, we will do this as a couple and everything will be great." Perfection planned out. The only problem with the plan? Actually doing it! I know I failed my husband and frustrated him desperately!
I was "riding the coattails" of my parents. Content with their faith. Pleased with myself, and foolish.
Anyway, on July 10, 2003 our world was rocked. This emotional girl was about to meet a warhead of emotion.
Hebrews 4:16 says this:
"Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need"
(Aside: We nearly named Lillian, Mercy.....)
When Drew called us, to tell us that Mom was on her way to the hospital with Dad, I was instantly shaking, panic stricken, in fear of losing him.
Ben and I packed up freshly bathed and jammied babies, and rushed to the hospital. By the time we got there, he was gone. Mom knew it, she had witnessed it. She was beside Dad as God came and retrieved His faithful servant from this damaging, trying, contentious world. Oh, isn't that beautiful though? To witness the homegoing of the person you love the most on this earth? And to have full knowledge of it happening? Wow, just wow. Sharing that moment.....
My heart broke in that moment, and I was forever changed. But I wasn't angry with God, interestingly enough? My range of emotions were devastation, to sadness, to fear, to worry, to sadness again, then back to devastated. And around the loop again. We stayed in the hospital for a long time. The kids weren't sure of what was going on, but Jonah did understand that Grandpa was in heaven. As the ER filled with family members, dear friends, pastors, and others who just felt called to come, Jonah was outside with a friend. We had not spoke much with him about all of this, in all of the craziness, but being carried around the parking lot, he pointed to the sky and said, "that's where my Grandpa Mike went" Not sure where or how he understood, but at age 5, he did.
The time in the hospital was a blessing to me. While we waited for Joy to arrive, (she was a counselor at camp that summer and got there as soon as she could) I reveled in the idea that Dad was not there... his body certainly was, but I knew he was not. That was a strange sense of peace to me. I held his hand, kissed his face, hugged him, and did the normal things a daughter would do. We all did this for what seemed like hours. I think it was.
Sweet friends of ours came and selflessly took our 3 babies home with them so that all 9 of us kids, Bek and Curt, Ben and I, Tim and Megan, Drew and Sam and sweet baby Joy, took our Momma home, and wept and prayed with her. What happened over the next few days was a lovely time for me. I loved everyone coming together, and helping us in or grief, providing for our needs, both spiritual, emotional, and physical. My Aunt and Uncle deep cleaned every inch that they could find, Dad's friends came and mowed our yard, dear sweet souls came and cleaned my messy home, It was just beautiful to me. A picture of God caring for us in our desperation.
Psalm 77:7-15
"Will the Lord reject forever? And will He never be favorable again? Has His lovingkindness ceased forever? Has His promise come to an end forever? Has God forgotten to be gracious, or has He in anger withdrawn His compassion? Then I said, "It was my grief that the right hand of The Most High has changed." I shall remember the deeds if the LORD; Surely I will remember Your wonders of old, I will meditate on all Your work and muse on Your deeds. Your way, O God is Holy, What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known Your strength among the peoples. You have by Your power redeemed Your people, the sons of Jacob and Joseph"
Oh how we cry out in our grief. But verse 13-15 is my favorite.. 13"Your way, O God is Holy, What god is great like our God? 14 You are the God who works wonders; You have made known Your strength among the peoples. You have by Your power REDEEMED Your people."
God worked a wonder in me in those few days. He gave me strength when I believed I had none. My flesh cried out saying "Sarah, you are too fragile. You should be crying out in anger. You can't handle this. You can't, you aren't, you shouldn't, AAAAAH! Enough! I DID. In Christ's power and His alone, I shared at my Father's funeral. I got up in front of a room full, and an overflow section, and a video feed to another room, and shared with everyone. ME! The one who cries. The one who exasperated her Dad on many occasion with tears, I just got up and told everyone that they needed a Savior named Jesus. Though I was scared and worried, not about getting up there, but about whether you could see my nursing pads or not. Weird, I know! I was not afraid to share with all of these people who, let's be honest, had likely already been witnessed to by my Dad, I was not afraid.
That's when my life changed for the 2nd time in 4 days. When I say changed, I mean, changed course, it diverted, it did a turnabout. This was the day that living my earthly Father's faith no longer was sufficient. The day I had to stand on my own two feet.
Romans 8:28-39
Matthew 5:13-16
You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men. You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are n the house, Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in Heaven.
If you don't know my Dad, and if your eyeballs can take more reading, read this! :) hehe, also, theres a picture of him and my Momma, see if I look like either of them!
http://benberberich.blogspot.com/2009/07/my-dad.html
I have been challenging myself with writing out scripture and placing it around the house...
I started reading "The Cost of Discipleship" (we'll see how long that lasts)
I have also been going over some of my "feelings" and "emotions" I know, danger, right? If you know me at all, you realize that it takes seriously nothing for the waterworks to start. In fact, this week as I was purging through papers, I got into some particularly precious ones, and just started bawling. Bawling because I miss my kids being tiny, and their notes to me with the sad little misspellings of words and the crazy amount of army man pictures that Jonah drew me. He doesn't do that anymore! Crying because I miss the earthly presence of my Dad, and of our sweet Shaelynn Sue. I found Jonah's and Lydia's school journals from 2007-2008. Let me tell you, I had not read them, and it's probably a good thing! In their sweet childlike minds recalling their baby cousin's struggles and their own worries about their family. I can't even explain how that hit me. Ugh. Anyway...
I have endeavored a somewhat challenging and new thing for me. I am going to start helping in our Women's Ministry team at Genesis Metro, called Sisterhood. Every year they have a Women's Retreat, and I will say I am so excited!! It is at a place called Allaso Ranch. Our theme this year will be "Beautiful" I am being challenged to think of something that I have encountered or endured, and to be able to tell my "story" while wishing to keep my emotions in check. I can't even imagine. So, I was going over some thought and decided to look back through my blog history and see what I had to say at those times when I felt most refined by my Savior. This particular day struck me... July 9, 2007. 4 years after we lost Dad. Here is what I wrote:
"I don't know. I just feel kind of empty right now. Emotional too. I know what and who will feel the void, but for some reason I want to feel the pain. I think I need to keep everything real. To remind me how I healed my heart 4 years ago, and to continue to heal it over and over again. God fills the void. God heals me over and over. God is my Daddy. Praise Him!"
I just don't know what to think about this comment?? It makes sense to me in some crazy way. Let me explain:
When Ben and I got married in 1997, we were just young'uns who thought that we had it all figured out and that our love was enough to get us through the trials that were bound to come. We knew challenges were on the way, we were 20! We knew everything! Right? Well, we soon realized that God had a sense of humor, and a bigger plan and idea than we could fathom. I became pregnant with Jonah a month after we got married, and lived in denial about it for 3 months. Finally in July we told everyone we were expecting. In August we thought I had miscarried. I was at my Mom's house getting ready to go to a friends bridal shower, and began bleeding. Mom hurriedly took me to my Dr. in Cedar Rapids, where she told Ben and I that the chances of still being pregnant were not good. She took out the doppler, and put it to my belly, and we were sure that we would hear nothing.... thump, thump, thump, there was a heartbeat!! I was put on bedrest for 10 weeks, and our little perfect world that we were sure to have, against all odds, was disturbed a bit :) On Dec. 23, 1997, yes... 3 weeks early (oh, the tongues were wagging!) Jonah was born perfectly healthy. Trial's #1-#25 Done. Check! We can do it all now! BEEEEEEP! Wrong!
Our trials are still here, I think we are in the 20,000's now :)
All this to say that I thought I had it all together! I was the child of a revered Elder at Harmony Bible Church. My parents and grandparents served faithfully every Sunday, and Wednesday's, and any other day in between. I could stand behind my family, and feel security in Christ. (what I felt at the time was security) I was Mike's child. It really did get me far. Not only in church, but in the community, in my jobs, just everywhere. This was somehow sufficient. I remember thinking when I was engaged to Ben, "I'll worry about my relationship with Jesus when we get married, we will do this as a couple and everything will be great." Perfection planned out. The only problem with the plan? Actually doing it! I know I failed my husband and frustrated him desperately!
I was "riding the coattails" of my parents. Content with their faith. Pleased with myself, and foolish.
Anyway, on July 10, 2003 our world was rocked. This emotional girl was about to meet a warhead of emotion.
Hebrews 4:16 says this:
"Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need"
(Aside: We nearly named Lillian, Mercy.....)
When Drew called us, to tell us that Mom was on her way to the hospital with Dad, I was instantly shaking, panic stricken, in fear of losing him.
Ben and I packed up freshly bathed and jammied babies, and rushed to the hospital. By the time we got there, he was gone. Mom knew it, she had witnessed it. She was beside Dad as God came and retrieved His faithful servant from this damaging, trying, contentious world. Oh, isn't that beautiful though? To witness the homegoing of the person you love the most on this earth? And to have full knowledge of it happening? Wow, just wow. Sharing that moment.....
My heart broke in that moment, and I was forever changed. But I wasn't angry with God, interestingly enough? My range of emotions were devastation, to sadness, to fear, to worry, to sadness again, then back to devastated. And around the loop again. We stayed in the hospital for a long time. The kids weren't sure of what was going on, but Jonah did understand that Grandpa was in heaven. As the ER filled with family members, dear friends, pastors, and others who just felt called to come, Jonah was outside with a friend. We had not spoke much with him about all of this, in all of the craziness, but being carried around the parking lot, he pointed to the sky and said, "that's where my Grandpa Mike went" Not sure where or how he understood, but at age 5, he did.
The time in the hospital was a blessing to me. While we waited for Joy to arrive, (she was a counselor at camp that summer and got there as soon as she could) I reveled in the idea that Dad was not there... his body certainly was, but I knew he was not. That was a strange sense of peace to me. I held his hand, kissed his face, hugged him, and did the normal things a daughter would do. We all did this for what seemed like hours. I think it was.
Sweet friends of ours came and selflessly took our 3 babies home with them so that all 9 of us kids, Bek and Curt, Ben and I, Tim and Megan, Drew and Sam and sweet baby Joy, took our Momma home, and wept and prayed with her. What happened over the next few days was a lovely time for me. I loved everyone coming together, and helping us in or grief, providing for our needs, both spiritual, emotional, and physical. My Aunt and Uncle deep cleaned every inch that they could find, Dad's friends came and mowed our yard, dear sweet souls came and cleaned my messy home, It was just beautiful to me. A picture of God caring for us in our desperation.
Psalm 77:7-15
"Will the Lord reject forever? And will He never be favorable again? Has His lovingkindness ceased forever? Has His promise come to an end forever? Has God forgotten to be gracious, or has He in anger withdrawn His compassion? Then I said, "It was my grief that the right hand of The Most High has changed." I shall remember the deeds if the LORD; Surely I will remember Your wonders of old, I will meditate on all Your work and muse on Your deeds. Your way, O God is Holy, What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known Your strength among the peoples. You have by Your power redeemed Your people, the sons of Jacob and Joseph"
Oh how we cry out in our grief. But verse 13-15 is my favorite.. 13"Your way, O God is Holy, What god is great like our God? 14 You are the God who works wonders; You have made known Your strength among the peoples. You have by Your power REDEEMED Your people."
God worked a wonder in me in those few days. He gave me strength when I believed I had none. My flesh cried out saying "Sarah, you are too fragile. You should be crying out in anger. You can't handle this. You can't, you aren't, you shouldn't, AAAAAH! Enough! I DID. In Christ's power and His alone, I shared at my Father's funeral. I got up in front of a room full, and an overflow section, and a video feed to another room, and shared with everyone. ME! The one who cries. The one who exasperated her Dad on many occasion with tears, I just got up and told everyone that they needed a Savior named Jesus. Though I was scared and worried, not about getting up there, but about whether you could see my nursing pads or not. Weird, I know! I was not afraid to share with all of these people who, let's be honest, had likely already been witnessed to by my Dad, I was not afraid.
That's when my life changed for the 2nd time in 4 days. When I say changed, I mean, changed course, it diverted, it did a turnabout. This was the day that living my earthly Father's faith no longer was sufficient. The day I had to stand on my own two feet.
Romans 8:28-39
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord"
In my recent purging of papers..... we'll call it The Great Purge of 2013, I found a sheet of paper that I had scribbled a bunch of notes on. The reference at the top is Romans 8:28-29
Here's what I wrote:
Why do I suffer if 28 is true? His promise is true-I misunderstand the promise. Even in suffering God causes all things to work together for good. This promise is for those who love God and are called to His purpose. His promise is that He is working it all together for His good - It's frankly hard to believe
Key word- "good" What is good? All the things that I think are good, still don't make me happy. Being conformed to the image of Christ. To be like Jesus - This is what is "good" for us- God do whatever in my Life to make me more like Christ. Break me! 2 Cor. 12 7-10 (Paul is suffering) If God had to break Paul, there will be suffering for me. Suffering is a beginning.
I don't know when I wrote this, but here, in Texas, 10 years after my course took an about face, this makes more sense than ever! What???
I feel like I'm still at the beginning, we shall see.... my failures are great, my struggle is real and loud, and I am far from sanctification, but I feel like my understanding is continually being formed. I am understanding more of my Savior. These are the victories that have come from Dad. I could not be more proud of who he was as a man, and can not wait to see what God has created him to be in Heaven... Dad, there with my sweet baby, with 2 nieces that I had the pleasure to know here on earth, my Grandparents, and a plethora of others on the other side. Oh I can't wait!! Dad loved the songs about Heaven, "Heaven is a Wonderful Place" "I'll Fly Away" "Blessed Assurance" "Surely Goodness and Mercy" and he is THERE!! He is! And I will be there too someday.
God is working on me. Not sure the outcome yet, but I am determined.
You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men. You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are n the house, Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in Heaven.
If you don't know my Dad, and if your eyeballs can take more reading, read this! :) hehe, also, theres a picture of him and my Momma, see if I look like either of them!
http://benberberich.blogspot.com/2009/07/my-dad.html
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